What Not To Do Wednesday on Writer Socializing

I totally get it, grasshopper. You're a writer because you don't particularly like to socialize.

You like to hunker down with your laptop and beverage of choice and write till the sun rises over the horizon and your fingers cramp and your eyelids feel like sandpaper against your eyeballs and drool drips from the corner of your mouth.

Yeah, I get it. But eventually, you need to come up for air, step out of that comfort zone, and socialize. And yes, it's not easy, 'cause basically you're kind of shy and really, can't you just socialize on the Internets?

Well, grasshopper, that's a beginning. But if you have the opportunity to meet with other writers, at a conference, or a workshop, a book signing event, or a Zaxby's on the way to Florida, make a plan and go! Because you do not want to miss the warmth, the joy, the fun, of talking, sharing, and laughing with writers who really are more than writers. They're friends. And believe it or not, just like you.

And P.S. When one of the writers (okay, me) tells everybody to make a crazy face, you really should make a crazy face. Or the crazy-faced writer (okay, me) looks like an idiot.

(And P.P.S. Thanks to Lisa, Debra, Linda, and Cathy-on-a-Stick for a wonderful afternoon!)

What Not To Do Wednesday on Livening up a Dead Website

I don't have much time here, but it being Wednesday, I thought I'd share a quick What-Not-To-Do on links and websites and such. To wit, I'm on the agent quest right now and it occurred to me that an agent might take a peek at my online presence. And what will he or she see?

Ooooh, grasshopper. That's a scary thought. Because I've recently scanned a few articles on what a great website for a writer/author should be and I'm a wee bit concerned.

I'm concerned that I might have a few horror-type links out there. Take the vampire link, for instance. That's the link that was doing its thing, hanging out peacefully, buried as it were, in the website. But suddenly, when I click on it...it's not there! Maybe it'll come back, maybe it won't. But I can't take that chance. So I'll dump that link.

Then there's the mummy link. That's the one that's so old and tattered, the one I've dragged around from one website update to the next. Perhaps it's time to put that dated link out of its misery.

Of course, there's also the zombie link. It may not be on your website, but it's out there, following you around FOREVER. No matter what else you write, this link always seems to pop up around your name. WHY WON'T YOU DIE, YOU STINKING LINK???

Well. There's not much I can do about the zombie link. But I really need to send a few queries out today, so don't do what I did, grasshopper, and wait till five minutes before you hit the send button. Stay on top of those horrible links and keep your website and online presence alive and well.

(As for the zombie links, it's every woman for herself.)

What Not To Do Wednesday on Over-Doing Social Doings (or Pardon Me, There's A Media Monkey on Your Back)

I watched one of those packaged specials on the news last night about people spending too much time on Facebook. Something like "Facebook Addiction--Where Will it Lead?" The piece had a rather ominous tone, I must say.

I suppose there are folks out there who can't do without their Facebook fix. Or Twitter tips, or listening in on LinkedIn, or connecting with any of a dozen other social media messaging. Whereas I can walk away anytime I want.

Sort of.

Here's the thing, grasshopper. From a business standpoint, social media has value. I think Twitter might be better for massive marketing, but I like Facebook for blogging connections. And I like Facebook for personal connections, too. So I want to stay social media savvy. But when I jump into Facebook or Twitter, or even blog surfing, I can easily use up hours.

HOURS. And though I come across tons of informative posts (because seriously, there are a ton of brilliant folks out there, sharing their expertise), I may get a teensy bit carried away, reading one post, zipping to another...then another...then another.

Until I look up and dang. It's lunchtime and I haven't written a single word (unless you count scathingly brilliant comments here and there. Which I'm counting. So there.).

But pithy comments do not a manuscript, essay, or short story make. And so I'm forced to face the ugly truth: I may...okay, okay, I have a social media problem. I usually deal with it by going cold turkey for a week or so. And then I ease back in, using moderation.

So don't over-do the social doings, grasshopper, at the expense of your writing. Write FIRST. Or if you need a little warm-up, set a limit for how much time you'll spend, media socializing. Then stick to it.

Because when you think about it, it's your brilliant writing that you're trying to promote and sell. Pour hours into that, grasshopper, and then use social media to tell the world.

(We shall discuss the proper way to exploit one's self, using humility, dignified grace, and monkey-mad media marketing skills at a later date.)

What Not to Do Wednesday on Having Myself to Blame

So, last week, I received an acceptance (wheee!) and a rejection (boo!hiss!). But if I'm being perfectly honest, I wasn't surprised by that boo!hiss! rejection. I have only myself to blame. It was a boo!hiss! story.

Now, don't try to make me feel better, grasshopper. It was not a good story. Oh, it was written well. It had a nice flow, good pacing, a swell plot, crackling dialogue. But it was missing something...

I sent it anyway, even though I had this mushy feeling of wrongness about the story. Until finally, after working on another manuscript, and receiving that acceptance, I had one of those epiphany moments. (Thank goodness, right?)

The boo!hiss! story didn't have me in it. I don't mean me, literally. I mean the connection between something that I felt to what a character is feeling. So the story, though well-executed, lay there flat and limp and blah.

Don't write without getting to the heart of the matter, grasshopper. You may be penning a story about a little girl flying on a pig to a country known as Styheaven where all the inhabitants are flying pigs who speak only pig latin and stuff humans into sausage casings. Obviously, you haven't had that experience. But you have probably, at some time in your life, been the "fish out of water" who was scared to death. Tap into your feelings to give your story life. It's that whole Dr. Frankenstein thing, to use a literary allusion.

I always tell people that if they've ever met me, they'll probably show up in a story, cleverly disguised, of course. But the truth is, I'm in every single story I write. At least, the stories that get published (whee!).

What Not To Do Wednesday on Being Organized (Or Not)

So. I needed ONE little thing. A simple piece of paper.

Well, not just any old piece of paper. I was looking for a piece of paper from my radio days. The copy from a commercial, if you must know. And I looked EVERYWHERE.

And when I say EVERYWHERE, I mean I emptied the entire love chest of my life. There is a ton of stuff in that love chest, I can tell you that, grasshopper. But do you know what's NOT in the love chest? The radio commercial copy.

Eventually, I stuffed all the er, stuff back in the chest (P.S. I still can't get it to close). I moved on. To the filing cabinet, to be exact, where I was looking for something totally different. I suppose I don't need to tell you what I found in a completely random, unmarked folder.

Don't forget to mark your folders, grasshopper. And here's a link to 30 very funny books, according to Gina Barreca, Ph.D., who wrote a handful of pretty funny books herself. Honestly, we deserve a couple laughs, right?

'Cause if you can't laugh at the crazy stuff in life (and filing cabinets), then you might as well throw in the (paper) towel.

What Not To Do Wednesday on SPAM! (And a Birthday Winner!)

So, grasshopper, we meet again to discuss the perils of the writing world. And by perils I mean SPAM. But I'm afraid that whenever I hear the word SPAM, I must hie away to Monty Python and watch this video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2MPT5RE

Or play this SPAM game here.

Hahahahaha! Okay, enough SPAM. Down to email SPAM business.

One of my wonderful writing friends, whom I sometimes do writing business with, recently hopped over to my bad side when she didn't respond to an important email. Totally not like her, so I sent a follow-up. She responded promptly and we got back on track. Or so I thought.

Until I sent another email. Again, no response. Grrrrrr. It turned out that, for reasons only the email gremlins can answer, some of my emails were sporadically zipping into her SPAM file. Naturally, she was upset. I mean, I'm not that important. But who knows whether someone truly adorable, like Tony DiNozzo, senior agent on NCIS, had emailed her?

Now, I know this writer probably gets a ton of SPAM. Me? Not so much. So it's no biggie for me to check my SPAM folder regularly. 'Cause about once a week, an email will pop up there that should be delivered to my regular inbox. Who knows why? I'm just glad that I don't get a ton of SPAM. It makes checking the SPAM folder easy.

So, two things, grasshopper. Oh, make that three. First, consider setting up another email account. If I need to provide an email address, say for a restaurant promotion, I use the non-business account. Then when the advertising starts pouring in, I don't have to worry about it clogging up my inbox.

Secondly, don't assume that everything in your SPAM folder is SPAM. Check that SPAM once in awhile. And finally, don't knock Spam, Spam, bacon and eggs and Spam until you've tried it.

(P.S. Almost forgot the Birthday Giveaway winner: Becky! Though I could never forget scathingly brilliant Becky. Send me your email and I promise, I'll respond!)

What Not To Do Wednesday (The Old "Picture's Worth a Thousand Words" Thing)

The Beneficent Mr. Hall, Cathy-on-a-Stick, and yours truly went on a train ride and met some wonderful people.

"Ha,ha," they laughed upon seeing Cathy-on-a-Stick. "You must give us your card so we can follow her adventures!"

"How kind," I said. Now where did I put those business cards?

After the train ride, we checked into a lovely B & B, where we met even more wonderful people.

"Ha,ha," they laughed (again) after seeing Cathy-on-a-Stick. "Please give us your card!" Hmmm...where ARE those cards?

Upon returning home, I found the business cards. In the box. On my desk.

I'm sure you don't need me to draw you a picture about What Not To Do, grasshopper.

What Not To Do Wednesday On Money (It's a Gas)

Oh, yeah. Pink Floyd singing Money. It's a gas, all right. As long as the money's rolling in. But sometimes, we have to put the brakes on a job when there's no money in sight.

I've had a few situations recently that had me thinking about money, grasshopper...

In the first instance, what I thought was a paying market turned out to be a non-paying market. So, I had to do some considering. But here's what not to do: don't be afraid to speak up if a market changes their pay procedure during the submission process.

The other situation involved a job discussion that was going back and forth in the most delightful way- till the money I wanted didn't coincide with what the client wanted to pay.

So here's the thing, grasshopper. Know thyself, where money is concerned. If you want to get paid for your work, set your fee. There's no need for long explanations. Ideally, you've done your research and know what's a fair price for the work you do, whether it's editing or essays or writing on the wall.

Sometimes, you'll make money. And sometimes, a client will drop off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again. Unlike Pink Floyd. They just keep on going-and making money. (Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.)

What Not to Do Wednesday on Doing Something

When those devastating photos from Nashville started popping up on the news, my little Southern heart started breaking. After all, Nashville's right up the road from Georgia, and I've spent a fair amount of time visiting there. Somebody should do something, I thought. I guess Amanda Morgan, Victoria Schwab and Myra McEntire, all Tennessee writers, had the same idea.

It's called Do The Write Thing for Nashville and if you have a Facebook page, you can follow these women and all the fabulous writerly prizes they'll be offering in an auction to raise funds for Nashville and Tennessee relief efforts. So if you've been stalling on the Facebook thing, grasshopper, here's a good and worthy cause to motivate you to join.

And speaking of good and worthy causes, every year in May, Brenda Novak gets hopping on her Online Auction to Benefit Diabetes Research. My big brother was diagnosed with diabetes about ten years ago, so I think about him when pondering prizes. Not that Big Brother cares one iota what wonderful writing goodies I bid on...or that Big Brother even knows I write, for that matter.
Um, I'm fairly certain Big Brother knows I live in the Atlanta area. But that is not the point here, grasshopper.

The point is that TONS of folks in the writing community have come together to raise funds for causes near and dear to me. And even if I'm not one of those scathingly brilliant writers who can offer my services, I can do something. I can bid on those critiques, or evaluations, or books offered by all those scathingly generous writers, editors, agents and publishers.

So, don't sit there like a grasshopper on a blog, wondering what to do. Every little bid helps!

So You Want to Write Humor? (Part Deux)

I told you I'd find that second page.

Quick and Painless Advice: Getting Humor Published in Magazines
(from the 20 tips in Mike Sacks' book, And Here's the Kicker)

19. "Most editors say they want more humor in their magazines, but not many do. What they really want is humor that they find funny and that they would write if they could, which they can't, or else there would already be humor in their magazines. Consequently, you have to adapt your sense of humor to meet their sensibilities."

(Brilliant point, Mike! But how, oh how, is the aspiring humor writer supposed to accomplish this brilliant feat? Oh, wait. There's more to this tip.)

"It's very difficult." (Point well taken, Mike.) "So if and when you find an editor who shares your sensibility, marry, adopt, imprison, or do whatever it takes to maintain that relationship. The other approach is to skip the pitch and just write it. You don't want to waste a lot of time waiting for an editor to evaluate the pitch. Just write it-either the editor will laugh or not."

So, grasshopper, (I'm segueing into What Not To Do Wednesday now), don't run around like a humor writer with his head chopped off, sending out subs with no rhyme or reason. If a market's accepted your work, or encouraged you in any way, send another piece soon thereafter. Chances are very good that you'll be accepted. It's worked for me.

Conversely, if you've sent five humorous submissions to the same market, without a single bite, you may want to hold off on submission number 6. Also um, worked for me. (It's not exactly painless or quick, but it is solid advice when it comes to getting your humor published in magazines.)

What Not to Do Wednesday on the To Do List

The other day on Facebook, I wrote that I had finally accomplished my To Do List for the day. The trick, I said, was having a very teeny, tiny To Do List.

Well, of course, I was joking. But upon further thought, I had an epiphany that went something like this: Hold on there, Cathy. You may be on to something.

How many times, grasshopper, have I written down these looooong To Do Lists, only to accomplish the first two or three To Do's on the list? (It's a rhetorical question, so quit guessing.) The point is, I always seem to think I can accomplish way more than is Cathy C. Hall possible. And then, at the end of the day, when perusing my un-accomplishments, I don't feel so good about myself. In fact, I want to kick my lazy behind. Thank goodness, that's also not Cathy C. Hall possible.

But after perusing my teeny, tiny To Do List, I felt downright chipper. Whee for me! So, grasshopper, what have we learned today? Don't fill up your To Do List, setting unrealistic goals for yourself. Give yourself time to accomplish what you really need to do. At the end of the day, you'll feel ever so much better. And your behind will thank you.

What Not To Do Wednesday on Backing Up (Files)

I had to add the (Files) part, 'cause honestly, there are some followers out there who might think I meant driving. And driving is not one of my um, strongpoints.

Backing up files was not one of my strongpoints, either. But after an epic crash, you could say I had a "crash" course in file-backing-up. I don't like to dwell on those dark days, grasshopper. Anyway, we're not talking about me today. We're talking about you and your need to back up files.

There are online storage sites you can use to back up your files. Or you can use a flash drive. Assuming you can remember where your flash drive is. Or you can just email yourself important files. That's what I do with my "pre-published" manuscripts.

I've probably explained all of this before, grasshopper, but it bears repeating. Because I just got a message from my new PC. Something to the effect of "Okay, Sister, you haven't backed up your files. Don't come crying to me when you lose every last word of your latest scathingly brilliant manuscript. All because you couldn't take a lousy 30 seconds to back up files."

Oh, PC. You really have a way with words.

What Not to Do Wednesday on Finding the Write Market

About 47 minutes into my work day here, I thought of something I used to do when it came to finding the right market. Notice, grasshopper, that I said used to do. As in the past, way back when, long, long ago.

Okay, maybe it was just last year. That's not the point. The point is, I have learned my lesson when it comes to finding the right market for my work. And now, I'm passing along that lesson to you: Research, Research, research.

Here's what Used To Do Cathy C. Hall did when it came to finding a market:

Step 1. Thumb through market listings in Writer's Market, or Duotrope's Digest, or any market newsletters I might have on hand. (So far, so good.)

Step 2. Find a market that accepts what I'm looking to place. (Sounds reasonable, right?)

Step 3. Go online and check out market for guidelines and such. (Of course, I'd do that. I'm a pro, you know.)

Step 4. Submit. (Wheeeee!)

Well, that plan looks jim-dandy, doesn't it? Except for one teensy, little thing. It wasn't working so well. Eventually, I woke up and smelled the step I was missing: Step 2a. Read the market.

See, I thought I'd take a shortcut. You know, scan the masthead, give the market a real good skim, even peruse a page or two.

Don't do that, grasshopper. Unless you like rejection. Take the time to read the entire magazine or webzine, or at least as much as is available online. Or check out an anthology from the library and read the whole thing.

Yep, the whole thing. That way, you'll get a good idea of the voice and style of the market. You can get a feel of what an editor likes. And that will tell you whether your work has a chance with that editor...or not.

And yes, grasshopper, it takes awhile. Which is why, here at the end of the day, I've only sent out one story. But midway through my market madness, I had to update my website. Which I should have done last month. But that's an entirely different What Not To Do (Sheesh).

What Not to Do Wednesday Looks at New Year's Resolutions

Dear Grasshopper,

It's that time of year again when one must pick oneself up by the chocolate-smeared reindeer slippers and give some thought to resolutions. What's more, grasshopper, one must put those thoughts into something more than your holiday-befuddled brain. What one must do, I'm afraid, is write the goals and whatnot on paper. Or at least a sticky note. And write your resolutions with some sort of, um, resoluteness. And don't leave out the particulars. Here's what I mean:

DON'T say "I'll become a better writer this year." (Well, of course you can say that. But it will help tremendously if you actually do something.)

DON'T say "I'll write the Great American Novel this year." (Trust me when I tell you that a goal such as that doesn't work. Unless you're a Great American who happens to be a Great Writer.)

DON'T say "I'm going to make $20,000 as a writer this year." (And for heaven's sake, don't say something like that around someone else, like, just to throw a "for instance" out there, the Beneficent Mr. Hall. Some people, like for instance, the Beneficent Mr. Hall, may think you have a business plan. However, if you have a monetary goal, one of those business plan thingies would come in mighty handy.)

I could go on, grasshopper, but I think you can see where this whole resolution thing is going. Besides, I've got my own very specific, scathingly brilliant goals to think up. (And write down.)

What Not to Do Wednesday on Waiting

Remember when you were a wee, little kid and the wait for Santa was a sweets-fueled, hand-wringing, will-I-get-a-Barbie-with-long-hair-instead-of-that-short-ugly-bob torture?

Or maybe that was just me. The point is, grasshopper, the wait seemed to last forever. Now that I'm ever so much older, the holidays zoom by with alarming rapidity. Then, snap! They're gone.

But here's a way to make your holidays last all year long: Give yourself a writing gift, something you need to get your writing to take off in 2010! Is it a specialized course? A conference? A membership to an organization, professional service or market list? An office chair, a techno-gizmo, a promise to put butt-in-chair every day? You've been wishing for something all year long...don't wait any longer, grasshopper. Because snap! Just like that, time passes.

And what if all you have to show for it is the Barbie with the short bob? (But I'm over that now, grasshopper. Ho, ho, ho from the Hall of Fame!)

What Not to Do Wednesday When Publishing a Book

I'm excited to have a guest here today at the old Hall of Fame! And not just because it gives me a day off.

Claudine Wolk is the author of It Gets Easier! and Other Lies We Tell New Mothers, so you can see that she and I already share a similar world view. But she also had some deep thoughts to share about the "behind the scenes" stuff with her book. As you know, I'm always looking for insider writer info. And you are, too, right? Take it away, Claudine! (Presumably she's telling the truth here...Okay, I'm kidding. Claudine would never lie to fellow writers in the trenches, right? Right????)

"Publishing is a tricky field. There are a few ways around the land mines, though. Below are a few of the most important things NOT to do when trying to find a publisher.

Don't ever send a manuscript without doing your research on the publisher. Each publisher has a specific set of submission requirements. If you think that your Manuscript is so great that those requirements do not apply to you, think again! There is no bigger turnoff to a publisher than an author who can't follow their requirements. Failing to follow these requirements to the letter is an easy way for a publisher to weed you out as a potential author. Look at it from their side-How can you work for a publisher when you can't follow the first instruction they ever give you?

Don't ever submit a manuscript to a publisher without knowing the meaning of the following five terms: Author Platform, Marketing Plan, Book Proposal, Hook, and Chapter Summary.

Don't ever go to a publisher without the answer to the question: Why are you the right person to write this book? The publisher wants to know why you uniquely are the right person to write this book. What do you bring to the table to sell this book? Do you have commitments for sales for this book in hand? Do you have a target market already in store for this book? Do you already have a vehicle to reach this target market? Do you have a special skill that lends credence to your book? Are you willing to speak, promote, and online market this book? Can you do the artwork for this book? Do you have a rich cousin who has promised to buy cases of this book? (In case you were wondering, I've just defined "Author Platform" for you!)

Don't ever go to a publisher without knowing your competition. You never want to be caught with your pants down in this area. You need to do the research. Make sure the title of your book is not taken. Make sure you know similar books in your genre and how yours is different. By the way, never diss another book; it's bad karma and it's unprofessional. Simply let the publisher know that you know that the book is out there and how your book is better and different.

If you are starting to think that finding a publisher is going to be tough, you are right. As my mother used to say, birthing the baby is the easy part, the raising of the kid is a challenge. So, too, with book publishing-writing the darn thing is indeed the easy part. Which leads me to my last "don't."

Don't ever give up. As monumental a task as publishing may seem, it is doable. Never give up on your message and the need to get that message out there. Consider all the work and potential rejection as part of the landscape of the journey and keep on going. You owe it to yourself and the audience who will benefit from your expertise. Go get 'um."

That, grasshopper, is about as good as it gets when it comes to publishing your book. Big thanks to Claudine Wolk for stopping here on her blog tour!

Claudine is a mother of three (Wow! So am I!) who writes columns and magazine and newspaper articles (Wow! So do I!) on the subject of new motherhood (Um, never mind). She's got a very spiffy website (help4newmoms.com) and a witty blog. And if you've got a new mom hanging about somewhere, you should get Claudine's book, It Gets Easier! And Other Lies We Tell New Mothers. Maybe even give the book to the new mom.

Or, you know, you could give the book to an old mom (Wow! Just like me!).

What Not to Do Wednesday on Feeling Flickr Foolish

I wish I had a nickel for every time the Beneficent Mr. Hall drove around, trying to find his way. I wouldn't be a rich woman, but I could probably buy one of those GPS thingies. I've always wanted one of those GPS thingies, grasshopper. I should add that to my Christmas list.

The point is, we could save a lot of time and energy if one of us (and I think we know who) asked for help. Unfortunately, grasshopper, there was an incident yesterday when one of us (and I think you know who) should have asked for help, but instead fell into a big, old black hole of foolishness.

Here's how it started: I wanted to put a little zing into my other blog (Finders & Keepers). So, I happened to notice one of those lovely widgets for Flickr. Wheee! I have a Flickr account. I downloaded a couple of fun photos, followed the directions, but... the widget thing did not come up.

Hmmm. I tried again. And again. Grasshopper, I'm ashamed to say how long I spent trying to find the way to make the widget thingie work. Until the moment when I thought, I can ask for help. I clicked on the Support page and there it shone, brightly lit directions pulling me out of the black hole.

Run, don't walk, to your Support page or Help page or Ask Forum, or whatever it's called, grasshopper, if you run into a technical problem. You don't have time to waste (especially when there's Christmas Lists to be written).

What Not to Do Wednesday on Freebies

I almost did it, grasshopper. I came this close (picture me pressing my thumb and pointer finger together, leaving just a smidgen of space) to skipping out on the AJC Decatur Book Festival Writer's Conference this year.

And then I thought "Whaddaya, crazy or something? Here's a bunch of talented writers, happy to share their words of wisdom, for FREE, and you're sitting around whining to yourself about traffic."

Yeah, that's right, grasshopper. Not a fan of traffic. Or crowds. Both of which are bound to be a problem at the DBF. But I pulled on my big girl britches...and coerced one of the Junior Halls into going with me. Whatever. The point is, I emailed somebody to reserve a spot at the workshop I wanted to attend. Um, I didn't actually get the workshop I wanted to attend. But I'm bound to get in some workshop. For FREE.

So, don't let stuff like traffic or crowds keep you from taking advantage of wonderful writing opportunities in your area. Especially when those opportunities are FREE!

What Not to Do Wednesday on the I Thing

I'm standing outside of church this past weekend when my mother (the former high school English teacher) turns to me and says, "Did you hear him say it?" She didn't even have to say what the "it" was. Because the "it" is one of those things that drives us both crazy. We can't help but hear "it" anytime, anywhere, anyplace "it" might pop up.

I'm not talking about using "it" so much that a reader has no idea what "it" you're referring to. (Though maybe I should address that little grammatical point at a later date.) I'm talking about this "it": using "I" when one should use "me."

You know what I'm talking about, grasshopper. Saying, for example, "I thought a Dice-o-Matic would make a great gift for Mr. Hall and I." Or how about, "Little did I know that such a contraption could wreak such havoc with him and I." And finally, "Give that sliced-off finger to the nurse or I." Honestly, I feel a little sick just typing those sentences.

Here's the thing, grasshopper. "I" is a subjective pronoun. It is NOT an objective pronoun. You might think it sounds better to say "you, him, or Mr. Hall and I" all the time. But it's only correct when "I" is used subjectively.

For example, "You and I (we're the subject here) should never play with a Dice-o-Matic." That's great (and very true).

And when you have a sentence where you're tempted to use that "I," take a look around and see if you notice any prepositions. Those little words like with, to, of, for, about, and all the others that you should have memorized back in the day. Chances are very good that you will need a "me" if you spot one of those prepositional phrases. As in: "A sliced-off finger is no fun for Mr. Hall or me."

Which also happens to be very true. And an entirely different What Not To Do.

What Not To Do Wednesday - If I Were The Queen of the Conference

So, I just returned from a weekend writer's conference. And for once, I'm not going to share my gaffes and foibles. That doesn't mean there weren't plenty of my what-not-to-do's running around. But today, I'm taking a look at the gaffes and foibles of the conference planners. If I were Queen of the Conference (and wearing a Doric column crown)...

A.) What's with all the food that's served at these conferences? I mean, I like food as much as the next writer, but I don't need to eat every hour. Of course, if there's food around, even if I'm stuffed, I'll belly up to the trough with everyone else. I guess the theory is that if I don't fill up on words of wisdom, I can at least fill up on Danish and cookies and fruit. Oh, and nuts. And juice, water, and cokes. And that trail mix stuff. Mmmmmm.

Queen Cathy would cut out half the food and take 20 bucks off the conference price.

B.) Ever notice how repetitive these conference sessions can be? The names of the sessions may change, but the content stays the same. For example, let's say you're a children's writer and you attend the sessions having to do with children's writing. Do you really need 4 people to tell you 1. join SCBWI? Or 2. read lots and lots of books in your genre? Or 3. no, Cathy, I will not read your manuscript? Okay, maybe some of us do need four people to reiterate a point.

Queen Cathy would work with similar-subject presenters to ensure that conference attendees get a variety of information. (Gosh, that sounded impressive, didn't it?)

C.) Raise your hand if you've sat in a session and wondered how that presenter managed to get booked. You know the folks I'm talking about...they wander around all kinds of topics, except the topic on the name of the session. You listen carefully at first, thinking any minute, you'll glean some earth-shattering gem. But then your eyes glaze over when he or she dives into the next long-winded story about, well, you have no idea 'cause you've stopped listening.

Queen Cathy would ask for an outline, a proposal, heck, even a sticky note, with the information that a presenter intends to present. And send volunteers to each session to keep an eye on things. And report back. With a detailed account of the presentation. (Um, like a spy. But not a spy, 'cause that's kinda tacky.)

D.) Every time I attend a conference, some poor presenter can't get the computer hook-up to work- and the complete presentation is on power point. Audio-visuals usually keep me awake. Waiting for the AV presentation to start? Not so much.

Queen Cathy would have the baddest techno geek in the world at the conference. Just in case.

Yes, indeed, if I were Queen of the Conference, things would be a lot different. Starting with my identity. I wouldn't want crazy writers coming after Cathy C. Hall with a list of what-not-to-do's.